What a difference a year makes...

Hanging out with Sanders

I know so many of you have waited patiently, and some not so patiently, for my latest blog post.  So many people have been asking.  I have been quite delinquent in my blog writing over the last month, and while many people have told me how much they look forward to reading, and I've wanted to write, I have been overhwhelmed with my new role of caring for a little one.  I have learned that bringing home a new baby is not easy, but it is especially hard when that new baby comes home right before Thanksgiving to kick off the already busy holiday season,  I have learned that our day is comprised of three to four major activities - feeding, pumping, cleaning the supplies, and diaper changes.  Anything else that happens in our day is a bonus.  Add into that decorating for Christmas (yes, I managed to get us fully decorated!), buying presents, wrapping the presents, and trying to enjoy Christmas.  I managed to accomplish most of these things. Things that did not happen this Christmas - extensive baking and Christmas cards.  Those of you who sent me a card - thanks so much and I'm really sorry you didn't get a card from us, it just was too much for me.  I didn't even get the chance to hang up the cards we received this year.  We loved getting your cards though!  

Our Christmas tree

The stockings were hung...

Lunch date with Carrie-Anne!

Where do I begin?  Reflecting back on 2014, it was certainly a year to remember, not one we could have ever predicted, either.  It kind of seems like a dream.  This time last year, we had just come back from a ski weekend in New Hampshire with friends.  If you had told me about all the things to come, I would never have believed you.  I'm still not sure I believe it.  So much happened.  Most of it was good, but some was not so good.  I am still denial that my dear Mimi is no longer with us - she is really missed, and the holidays were not the same without her.  And then there was the whole business of learning that our sweet baby had a serious heart defect that would require life-saving surgery.  But those are really the only dark spots on 2014.   We traveled a lot.  There was the ski trip to New Hampshire for New Years, Cabo and California in Feb, I went to Virginia Beach in March, Ocean City in April, New Hampshire in May, several trips to OC throughout the summer, then the big trip to Belgium, France, and Switzerland for Fabian and Christine's wedding.  We had the opportunity to go to Spain in May for Rafa's wedding in May, but couldn't make the trip due to work.  But most of the year was spent reacting to the news we got on March 3, news we never thought we'd get - I took that fateful pregnancy test and we first learned of Hope's existence. 

Highlights from our year:

Hacienda Los Cerritos, Baja, Mexico (our Hotel!)

Flora Farms, San Jose del Cabo, Baja, Mexico (I was unknowingly pregnant at this point)

Wine tasting in Sonoma with Chris' Aunt and Uncle (again, I had no idea I was pregnant)

Shamrock Half Marathon, Virginia Beach.   7 weeks pregnant.

With the Saghirian cousins at Mimi's memorial 

Flying over NYC in April, on our way to OCNJ for a wedding

Our house from the air

The boardwalk

Happy dog swimming in the ocean on a summer day

Alsatian wine country

Mt Rigi, near Luzern, Switzerland 

My Belgian parents

At the wedding with my Belgian sisters, 7 months pregnant

I finally saw the Tapis de Fleurs 

More family

Then there was the fall.  Baby showers, the nursery, installing car seats, nesting, washing baby clothes, making food to freeze, etc.  So much of this I put off to the last moment because I was in denial that we'd actually bring this baby home.  You see....infertility and our loss really took its toll on me.  I remember standing in the empty nursery in September before the furniture was delivered staring at it in disbelief.  When the furniture arrived,  I had to keep going in there for it to sink in.  I washed the clothes and put them away.  This time there was actually going to be a baby.  It started to become a room - Hope's room.  And it's my favorite room in our house.   It is filled with tiny clothes, dolls, stuffed animals, and happiness.  It smells nice (sometimes), it's cheerful, and was often a sanctuary for me while she was in the hospital.    

There were all those doctors appointments.  Early on, they were filled with anxiety and the fear that something would go wrong, and that we would lose this baby like we lost the one before.  We got to the 8 week appointment and heard the heartbeat, we made it to the 12 week ultrasound and we watched our child bouncing around on the screen in disbelief.  We had the genetic testing done - all looked normal and we couldn't believe it.  She was healthy!  At each monthly appointment, I held my breath a little bit as I waited for the heartbeat, even towards the end.  Then I heard movement in addition to the heartbeat.  She was real.  And then there was the fateful 22 week appointment where the OB told me it was likely that our baby had a heart defect.  At that moment, without fully understanding the situation, it was almost as devastating as being told our baby would not live. Three days later, we took a deep breath and walked through the doors of Children's Hospital for the first time.  This was such a scary place to me, a place I never wanted to see the inside of.  Yet, I've always felt a sense of awe at what happens there.  Funny, because now, after spending 40 days practically living there, I feel a sense of home when I walk through the doors.  We met Dr Freidman, the man who ultimately would help save our daughter's life, for the first time, on July 3.  He did not have great news, but was reassuring, a theme that continued throughout her hospital stay.  Fortunately, later in the day, he changed the diagnosis, and while it was still serious, it was not nearly as bad.  The upside of her heart condition was that I received extra prenatal care.  By August, I was getting ultrasounds almost every week.  It was around mid-September that my blood pressure started to creep up.  The real kicker was at the beginning of October when I gained 9lbs in a week, my legs, feet and, hands were swelled up like balloons, and my blood pressure was through the roof.  It was at that 36 week appointment that it became clear that Hope was coming sooner than later.  After that appointment we kicked it into high gear. The weekend after that was Columbus Day weekend, so we spent it doing all the last minute things we needed to do, including a DIY maternity shoot, since we never got around to doing that.

 

October 14 was a memorable day - the day they told me they planned on inducing me on Thursday the 16th.  She was almost here.  I had to quickly wrap it up at work.  I had been quite active on an online forum for moms over 35 due in November and it became clear that that I was going to be the first to have my baby, which was exciting for all of us.  

On the way to be able induced!

October 17 at 2:47 our lives changed forever.   Hope came into the world with a bang.  There were at least a dozen people in the room to welcome her and ensure her health and safety.  She was pink!   Everyone in the room exclaimed how pink she was.  And from as far as we could tell, she was absolutely perfect.  

October and November seemed to last forever, but yet it's like they didn't exist.  Those were the hours and days we spent by Hope's crib waiting for her to get better.  This is the period of time when Children's became a second home - I was spending more time there than at my actual home.  So many of you read my blog and supported us during that time, and we're so grateful and humbled by that support.  This blog and your support got me through.  

We finally brought her home two days before Thanksgiving.  It has been a blur since.  December is a hectic month to begin with, but add into that a newborn and the adjustment to having a newborn at home, and then figure into that a newborn with a lot of doctors appointments.  I was determined that the holidays would be the same and fully decorated my house.  I have no regrets.  Of all years, I didn't want this to be the year that the house wasn't decorated.  Of course, now comes the process of taking it all down.  I will definitely miss the light of the Christmas tree during the middle of the night feedings.  

We had a wonderful Christmas.  We spent Christmas Eve with Chris' family and family friends, woke up at home on Christmas morning, had Christmas dinner at Chris' parents, then headed south to Jersey for a long weekend and the chance to meet my whole family.  It was a busy weekend, but this year, I finally got everything I wanted for Christmas.

Meeting Santa

My stocking is bigger than me!

The ladies (Dad's family) - Christmas Day

Family photo - Christmas Day 

  

All dressed up

The best presents are under the tree

Meeting Mom's cousins

The Evans family (Grammy's side)

The Saghirian Clan

Family photo

New Years resolution?  Last year I resolved to make a new soup every week.  I did pretty well until March.  It was fun, but a goal that is probably unattainable this year, and almost seems silly now.  So what will I do is year?  I was so touched by all of you who reached out and am still embarrassed that I was unable to respond to everyone.  Mostly, there has not been time, but when there has been time, I've often lacked the energy.   This year, I want to be better in touch with all those who have supported us this year.  Over the past four years, I have relied heavily on the support of friends and family, but haven't been much of a friend myself.  I want to be a better friend.  I want to slow things down and enjoy the little things.  With the next 8 months to be a stay-at-home mom, I want to enjoy every second watching my daughter grow and change.  I want to show her our world and watch as she learns about the world around her.  I want to sit and look at her, cuddle her, love her.  We waited so long for her.  

Happy New Year from a sleepy Hope

I am happy to report that little Miss Hope is thriving.  Since we brought her home at the end of November she has gained more than 3 pounds. She is changing every day.  She's growing out of her newborn clothes and is growing into her 3 month clothes. Her scar is tiny - it looks like a pencil line.  She has been taken off most of her meds and we will not see the cardiologist again until April.  The other specialists, we will not see until March.  We are focusing on normal baby stuff.  She is learning how to do things, like smile, laugh, and play.  Yesterday, she showed real interest in Sanders for the first time.  She was playing on her mat and started reaching for him and wiggling, trying to get to him.  Eventually she was able to touch his ear.  She has met most of her family and many of our friends. She's celebrated Christmas in a big way, as we dragged her from party to party introducing her to everyone we know.  She has been passed from person to person and remains an easygoing little baby.  I just don't know how we got so lucky.  

First smile caught on camera

A real big smile

Playing in my gym while Sanders watches

My coat is a bit big - can you believe this is 3 month coat?   It should fit by March!

Two of many naps with dad

My first road race with mom

All tuckered out

Are we sleeping?  Not exactly.  She goes down easy, but still requires to be fed at least once, sometimes twice in the middle of the night.  This is hard.  I'm tired, but it is so worth it.

I am so happy it is January and time to focus on real life.  My self care took a hit in December.  Between prepping for the holidays and running around to all the doctors, I didn't have much time for me.  Exercise has been the first thing to go, but that has to change now that it is January.  It's finally time to buckle down and start training for Boston.  I went out and ran 6 miles yesterday and it felt wonderful.  My pace is recovering and I was able to easily hold 9 min/miles for 6 miles.  I am so glad I stayed fit throughout my pregnancy, as it has been easy to recover.  In the next week, I plan on drawing up my training plan.  As I reported in my last post, I have the honor of running for Children's this year and am really looking forward to my return to the Boston marathon.  It's been 5 years, and so much has happened in that time.  It will be so meaningful to run in the Children's singlet in honor not only of Hope, but also in honor of her doctors and nurses.  I am close to the minimum I need to raise, but I plan on upping my goal, as this is a cause that is so important to me.    Please help me honor them.  Thank you so much to all those who already have - I haven't gotten around to personal thank yous yet, but I will.  

To donate, go to:

Http://fundraise.childrenshospital.org/goto/MollyCrellin

I still can't believe she's ours and we get to keep her.  Like I said, infertility took its toll.  I will never be the same.   After all we went through, It doesn't seem we should be this lucky.  Neither of us can believe we are parents.  I keep thinking I am going to wake up and the nursery will be an office again and I will have to get up and go to work, instead of staying at home for the rest of the year with my sweet baby girl.  But instead, I wake up from my dreams and rise in the middle of the night to the cries of my hungry daughter, and rub my tired eyes.  This is real.  It's not a dream.  And as tired as I am, every time I feel her warm weight in my arms and feel her nuzzle in, completely relaxed in my arms where she feels safe, I realize I am so incredibly happy and blessed.  I wouldn't change a thing.