Remembrance, memories, and the start of summer!

Memorial Day weekend has always been one of my favorite weekends of the year.  First of all, It's such an important thing, to recognize the service all of our armed forces.  We would not be here today, living the life we live without their service, and their sacrifices.  So if you're reading this, and haven't done so already, please take a moment to think about all those who have served.  I've spent much of today thinking of my grandfather, Henry Evans (Poppy), my Uncle Bill, William Lamond, and Chris' grandfather, Douglas Crellin, all of whom served in World War II, and all of whom are no longer with us.  It is perfect time to remember them. 

Second, it's the unofficial start of summer.  Growing up at the Jersey Shore, "opening weekend" was something I waited for all year.  Almost like the beginning of a new year.  In fact, while we were up in New Hampshire this weekend, I overheard someone wish someone they hadn't seen all winter, "Happy New Year."  It made me smile.  When I was little in Ocean City, I had the tradition of going in the ocean to celebrate the start of the new year.  Now that I am grown, I no longer get to do that.  It is just too far of a trip to make in a three day weekend with things wrapping up at school.  I did manage to get in my first swim of the season at Walden pond, so that's one way to celebrate summer. 

My beach:

First Walden swim:

Lastly, this weekend is important to us as a couple, because it is the anniversary of our wedding.  It's been 8 years since we got married.  When we got married, we planned on having our first after 4-5 years, so by now, we expected to already have one child, if not two, so the fact that our first is just on the way, is not what we expected.  Anyway, we chose this weekend in particular.  As summer people, we liked the significance of it being the first weekend of summer.  But we chose it not only for the significance, but also to give our family and friends in New England the three day weekend to travel to NJ for our wedding.  It was a beautiful weekend, that early summer day, 8 years ago.  It felt like all of the shore was celebrating with us and we had a few hundred extra guests with us on the the beach as we exchanged our vows.  It was a perfect start to our journey.  I will always remember that day.  I remember the feeling as I watched all of our guests arrive from the upstairs window, as I walked to the beach with my wedding party,  and the kids across the street blew bubbles at me and waved.  I remember the plane that flew overhead saying "Remember the day", then crossing over the footbridge to the beach and seeing the crowds, both invited guests and uninvited beachgoers. 

 It really was special getting married on my beach, and for us, much more spiritual than a church.  That beach is so special to me - my family has been there for 60 years, both my dad and I grew up on that beach, Chris proposed to me on that beach, and my little girl will also grow up there.  So many memories over the past 35 summers.  So for that reason alone,  Memorial Day weekend is very important to me.

We had a nice weekend up in NH.  We stayed at our favorite Inn, the Glynn House in Ashland, NH.  We had couple of good dinners and spent the day Saturday hiking.  It was a beautiful day and great to get out into nature.  We hiked to a mountain lake, Lonesome Lake, Sanders did some swimming and got good and muddy.  I was surprised how tired I got while hiking.

I am feeling a lot better and hoping the second trimester is really finally taking hold.  My energy is starting to return.  I had a pretty good week and an even better weekend, and I'm starting to feel like myself again.  I managed to run 20 miles for the week, swam a half mile in Walden, returned to yoga, and hiked for 4 hours.  My house is still a mess, but I'm hoping to have the energy to give it a deep clean this week or next weekend.

So I leave you with my 16 weeks bump picture.  Not many other updates at this point. 

15 weeks and finding it hard to believe!

We're up to 15 weeks this week and I'm finally having days where I feel like I look less like I'm eating too many cupcakes and more like I've actually got a baby in there.  She is the size of an apple this week.  My kids at school don't think I look pregnant (maybe they're trying to be nice), some of my friends do.    You be the judge...

Thank you all for your kind words as you have learned our news over the past few weeks.  We have heard so many nice things, have seen such touching outpouring of emotions, and we are overwhelmed by the amount of love we already feel from family, friends, co-workers, and even just random people.  Friends have offered some awesome advice, people have sent some lovely gifts, and I can't even imagine what it is going to be like when she gets here.

Like most pregnant women, but especially for those who have suffered from infertility, I have a hard time believing this is real.  I keep thinking I am going to wake up and it will have all been a dream.  I alternate between wanting to enjoy every minute of my pregnancy to wanting November to be here so that we can meet our daughter and hold her in our arms.  To sit in the nursery in the middle of the night and rock her back to sleep.  To feel her velvet soft skin.  To nuzzle in and smell that wonderful smell that only comes from a baby - I cant only imagine it is that much sweeter when it is your own.  To learn what color hair she will have (hoping for red!).   To watch her grow, instead of just feeling it.  To hear her laugh and find out what she's going to be like.  

I imagine every couple expecting a baby has big dreams for their baby - We have had a long time to think about what we wanted for our children and have so many dreams for her.  A moment doesn't pass when I don't wonder what her life will be like.  My focus has gone completely off.  We know she will be cherished by all who have waited for her, so many people have told me that.  Every time I take the time to think about who she will be I tear up.  Will she be athletic?  Will she be active and enjoy the outdoors like we do?  Will she be adventurous?  Will she be musical?  Will she be coordinated, and not clumsy like me?  Having lost my dear Mimi in March, I envision her to be like Mimi.  Kind, selfless, loving, intelligent.  I imagine her to be open to new experiences and curious about the world.  She will grow up in a house where baseball is on every night in the summer (it's on right now), so she will definitely love baseball (and we hope it's the Red Sox, of course).  But who knows?  It will be a while before we know for sure, and certainly some of her personality will be formed by her experiences both before and after she gets here.  She has already had some adventures - she went to Mexico when she was just a spark, has run a half marathon, and has flown in her Dad's plane to name a few.  In the coming months, she will hike the White Mountains of NH, swim across Walden Pond, go sailing, visit Fenway for the first of many times, ride in her Grandpop's motor boat (I hope he won't go too fast and bounce her around), and travel to Belgium for the first time for her Uncle Fabien and Aunt Christine's wedding.  I'm sure there will be many more adventures before she gets here, because everyone knows I like a good adventure.

Anyway, enough of my sappy musings.  Lots of things going on this week.  I think baby may have had a growth spurt this week.  I went from feeling pretty good last week, to lousy this week.  I struggled to get through the work day only to come home and pass out for a few hours.  Tuesday, I laid in bed for 3 hours and then laid on the couch for the remainder of the night.  But its all good....just means she's taking my energy so that she can get big and strong.

The weekend was much better - I got two good sleeps and felt more like myself.  Saturday, I had time to prep and plant most of my garden.   Then we went to a party and I even stayed out until 11...lol!  Today, I ran a 5k pacing a 6th grader through my running club's kids program.  She did great.  When I got home, it was such a beautiful day and I felt like I could go a little further, so I ran 4 more miles.  7 total for the day, 18 for the week.  This is big progress.  Next week, I hope to break 20 miles for the week. 

We spent the afternoon shopping for a nursery set and I think we may have found the one.  We went to three different places, and in each place, we liked the same set, without realizing at first it was the same one.  Here is a picture of it in the finish we will probably get.  Now we just have to decide which pieces to get and then order it. 

Finally, I truly believe I'm starting to feel her move in my belly.  I first felt it a couple of weeks ago, but wasn't sure.  But the same feeling has been occurring more and more frequently, especially if I am sitting still or laying down.  It is pretty exciting!

So that's what's new this week.  I'm really looking forward to the school year ending.  I'm getting what I need to get done and my work is not suffering, but my focus is not there.  The kids know that and keep trying to get me off-topic by bringing up the baby.  I need the summer to come so I can actually focus on baby (and rest!).   

Coming later this week - stories from Malden High School.  The kids have been pretty entertaining as they have learned I was pregnant.  It is definitely worth a post.  

It's beginning to feel more real....

Chris and I have spent most of the last two weeks spreading the good news.  I've been in touch with some people I haven't talked to in a long time and it has been so great catching up with them!  In our busy lives, it's hard to find the time to stay in touch.  As much as I love Facebook, I have probably become too reliant on it.  I need to be in touch more often, and now that I've taken the step to reach out, I hope I can continue to do so.  

This was a big week.  I can feel the baby growing and may have felt a few little flutters.  My belly is finally getting big enough that it is starting to look more like a baby and not like I've eaten too many cupcakes.  I'm loving my little bump.  I'm looking forward to it getting bigger and looking more pregnant.  This in-between stage has been really tough for me, especially after losing so much weight and being really happy with how I looked.  I know eventually I'll turn the corner and I'll love how I look again because this is a beautiful reason to grow.  

In addition, we got the results back from the Panorama Test.  This is a relatively new, un invasive way to test for chromosomal disorders such as trisomy 13, 18, and 21 (Downs Syndrome).   Having lost a baby to a chromosomal disorder (trisomy 22), I really wanted this done.  In addition, by having the test, they are able to look for the Y chromosome (or the absence of a Y). The results came back with a 1/10000 chance of having any of those disorders.  There was no Y chromosome, so we are having a girl!!!   

Don't ask us the name, we haven't decided yet, and when we do, we don't plan to share.  Something has to stay a surprise, right?   

We have decided to use a midwife instead of an obstetrician.  We will still deliver in the hospital and there will be a doctor available, but I like the level of care I get from a midwife.  I accidentally started going to this practice 9 years ago, and really like it.   It has a much more familiar feel, and is comfortable and not clinical.  You call the midwife by her first name and she feels more like a family member than a doctor.  She is fully trained and certified in all things baby, the only difference is that she can not perform surgery.  It feels much more natural to me than the sterile environments we became so accustomed to during IVF.   I want this to be as natural as my body and my baby will allow.  Anyway, I had my 2nd appointment with the midwife.  I saw my regular midwife, Phyllis, this time.  I was unable to get an appointment with her for my first appointment.  The last time I saw Phyllis, she and I discussed the fact that we had given up the fight.  I still remember her saying to me, "well, I guess you're not here for birth control". We laughed.  So this appointment was so joyous.  There were hugs, there were tears.  Not much happened other than a lot of talking, but we did listen to the heartbeat again.  It was a good, solid 164 bpm, which is good and strong.  All of the tests they did at the first appointment looked great as well.  So far so good.  I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and it's not going to be real.

We started the process of looking for furniture.  We haven't decided on anything, but I'd like to order in the next few weeks.  I'd really like to have the Nursery done by the time I go back to school in September, which realistically means we need to have it almost done before going to Belgium in mid-August.  

This is also a big week because we are finally going public on FB.   We have told everyone we needed to tell and now it is time to announce it to the world!  

That's all the news this week.  Stay tuned.....

Why a rainbow?

In the spirit of our journey, I chose the name "running towards a rainbow"  those of you who have been around the infertility / miscarriage / infant loss block understand the significance of a rainbow, but others might not.   There is a lot if meaning in this name.  The running part is obvious, since all you need to do is talk to me for 5 minutes and you know I am passionate about running.  But a rainbow?  Yes they are beautiful to look at, but there's more to it than that.  For those of us who have experienced miscarriage,  we seek out hope in the dreams of a rainbow baby.  That is, the healthy baby that follows the baby who we lost.  

So in choosing the name, "running towards a rainbow", I am indeed running towards hope.  I took comfort and refuge in running after every round of IVF, after losing my baby in 2012 (which I recently discovered was a little boy), and after being told we wouldn't have kids.  The last blow made me run really hard, and I guess I eventually ran smack into my rainbow.

This is a big week for us.  We will get the results back from the panorama test.  This will tell us genetic risks, and even more exciting, gender!!!  I have a doctors appointment tmw and I hope to hear the heartbeat again.  I will be 14 weeks on Thursday and now we seem to be in the clear, I am loving every second of this journey, even when I'm not feeling so great.  It's so amazing what the body can do and I am fascinated by the changes.  

So coming soon..gender reveal and first belly pics!!!