Wrapping things up...

I'm definitely a little late this week on my 18 week post.  I hit 19 weeks yesterday.  That's what the end of the school year will do to you!

This week has been busy trying to wrap things up at school.  While I have felt fried for a while, and I know my kids have felt the same way, we all managed to rise to the occasion this week and get it done.  It was a busy week of stuffing in the last of new material and wrapping up the school year.   While the past few weeks have felt filled with distraction, for me and them, this week we were all on task.  Yesterday was the last day of classes and today was the first day of finals.  I have graded all of my finals from today, so I can have a nice relaxing weekend.  It sort of feels like summer already, even if there are 4 more workdays.  I'm really ready to be done, but I know I have a busy summer ahead. 

Along with wrapping things up at school, the weather has not been in my favor, and therefore I have had an off week for my fitness.  It started on Saturday when it was just too hot to run after proctoring SATs.  More of the same Sunday, so Sanders and I went for a hike instead.  Monday was the third hot day in a row, so I decided to get up and run before school.  That didn't go overly well - Sanders is NOT and early morning runner and ran out of gas after a mile.  We had to walk a mile home and by then it was too late for me to do anything else.  I did manage to get a swim in Monday afternoon and that was my last workout of the week.  Tuesday and Wednesday, I was just too exhausted and yesterday, I had a full day with no room for a run.  Not to mention I had a migraine and probably wouldn't have run anyway.  Today is a miserable day, weather-wise, but maybe I can drag myself into the basement for a quick workout.  It's ok...I'll get back to it over the weekend.

Monday was a big day!  We went for our Level II ultrasound, also known as an anatomy scan.  This is an hour-long ultrasound where they look at every part of the baby to make sure she is developing ok.  Amazing to get to sit there and look at her for an hour.  She looks perfect and the doctor had nothing but good things to say.  However, our daughter was being stubborn and was hiding her heart, so the doctor couldn't see everything he wanted to see, so we have to go back.  This means another afternoon at the hospital, but on the bright side, it is another opportunity to look at the baby.

Sadly, I will be forever affected by infertility.  The doctor wanting us to come back automatically sent me into a tailspin wondering if there was something wrong that they weren't telling us.  I know this is not why we have to come back, but my brain automatically jumps to conclusions.  This pregnancy has been so trouble-free (I wanted to say easy, but there is nothing easy about pregnancy, even if I am loving it), that I just am waiting for something to go wrong (or to wake up from a wonderful dream).

I am getting bigger - not big enough for strangers to ask when I am due or touch my belly yet, but certainly big enough for people to notice.  Several co-workers have told me I am starting to pop.  I still feel kind of fat, but I do love my belly.  I am thankful for each week that passes, as it is one more week closer to delivering a healthy baby.  In a few weeks, we'll reach viability - this is such a huge milestone!  Then a few weeks after that - third trimester.  I hate to count the weeks, as I'm loving being pregnant, but with each week that passes, it becomes a little more real.  

Finally, I need to share a fortune I got in a Dove chocolate the other day, because I really feel like it sums up where I am right now.  A friend told me I need to save this for the baby book....I think she's right. 

My "kids"

It is a rare occurrence that I am bored at work, my field is just not one that lends itself  to boredom...usually quite the opposite - arriving at 7AM, hitting the ground running, and not even having time to look at the clock until, whoops!  It's 4:00.  Tuesday was one of those rare days when I was bored.  Our kids were involved in MCAS testing.  This is the state standardized test they need to graduate from high school.  It happens three times a year - once in March, one in May, and once in. June.  Usually, I hoard some of my grading and it is a big chunk of very productive time.  It I had an easy week last week and had everything graded before I left on Friday.  It is so nice going into the weekend knowing there is nothing to grade, but it happens so rarely.   Anyway, having gotten the grading done, I had nothing to do while the kids tested.  The way the schedule fell, I only had one class in the afternoon, so it was long day of trying to stay occupied.  Funny, though I didn't get around to posting this until today.   

I few weeks ago, I promised a blog about my kids.  The end of the school year is busy and I never got around to it.  So I'm going to do a  bonus blog.  

Teaching high school is not a career I ever imagined for myself, but it was one of the best things to ever fall into.  After 4 frustrating years of doctoral study, I realized it was not for me and had to decide what next.  My professors at BU recommended high school.  So I went full force into finding a job.  The job at Malden High School was offered to me about a month after I left my PhD.  I accepted it and never looked back.  If I could never imagine teaching high school, I really never could imagine teaching in an urban school district, but now I wouldn't have it any other way.  Our parents are appreciative, our kids are mostly grateful.  Some of them are struggling with things none of us could ever imagine - hunger, homelessness, absent parents, the list goes on.  Many do not have good home lives.  Many of them see us more than they see their parents.  Many are needy.  The relationships I have formed with my high school kids is far deeper than any relationship I ever formed with my BU kids.  It is challenging and rewarding all at the same time.  

To say they were excited that I am pregnant is an understatement.  They had figured it out long before. I was ready to share, but I continued to keep my secret.  I stressed every day about what to wear, so as not to give it away to the ones who hadn't figured it out.  I told my principal two weeks before I was ready because I didn't want him to learn the news from them.  I listened to them whisper about me for weeks.  Chris and I talked about what I should do and if I should come clean.  I decided to just wait and play it cool.  Finally, one day a particularly bold kid said something that was just too obvious.  I turned to her and told her she was being obvious and to stop.  This is a kid that a few weeks before had come by my room to hang out.  When she got there, she kept talking about babies and how this year was the year of the baby (there are 13 faculty members who are expecting).  Anyway, When I dismissed them to lunch, she and her friend lingered and asked me what I meant by saying she was obvious.  I told her that I thought she knew.  She played dumb and said what do you mean, I said I think you know.  So she said, but are you?  And I said yes.  They screamed in excitement and told me that they had known since March and I said I knew that, but that it is not information that I wanted out that early.   By the end of the day, another class had figured it out, and next I knew it was on Twitter.  I had been outed by a bunch of teenagers.  Throughout that week, I was showered by congratulations from kids and faculty (fortunately, I had been able to get to everyone I wanted to tell myself before the kids outed me).

That was about 5-6 weeks ago.  They are still excited and I don't go a day without having a kid ask me  how I am feeling, what I am going to name her, if I am going to speak French to her, etc.  I have received cards 

and have had touching conversations, like the time the kid told me they were all so excited because they just all loved me so much.  I've also had some funny conversations, like the time a girl told me they knew because my boobs had gotten really big.  

I am not 100% sure what I will do next year, but it would be nice to take the rest of the year off and come back in the fall.  I do know I will miss them and can't imagine my life without them.  I am scared for who will replace me and if they will do good job because my kids deserve the best.  

Quick update on baby Crellin:  I had my 4 month appointment yesterday.  These appointments are short, but still produce a little anxiety for me, a left over repercussion of infertility.  I always worry, what if we don't hear the heartbeat?  What if something is wrong?  Well, everything is fine.  I am finally gaining weight normally, not rapidly (only 3lbs this month!).  We listened to (and I recorded) the heartbeat.  While listening to the heartbeat, we could hear her moving around in there....so awesome.  My midwife confirmed that what I have been feeling is most likely movement and even a few kicks here and there.  I have an posterior placenta, meaning the placenta is attached to the back wall of my uterus.  This is neither good or bad, just normal (love normal!!), but it is allowing me to feel baby moving earlier than average.  I think I first felt it at around 12.5w.   We are 18w today.  Can't believe it.  I am just loving pregnancy - it is a miracle and fills me with wonder and joy.  I always wanted to be the girl who loved being pregnant and here I am, a dream that I never thought would come true.  Next blog will be Monday night after the big anatomy ultrasound!  Stay tuned!! 

A taste of summer!

Not much exciting to report on baby this week.  Just chugging along ready for summer to begin.

Got to my first Red Sox game this week.  I was lucky enough to be invited by my friend Melanie, who had a pair of front row seats!  We were right behind the camera crew.  It was also the celebration of the 2004 team, which was awesome!  So many of the old team came back and we were so lucky to be so close to them.  It was a pretty cold night, not summery at all, but it was a blast!

It was such a beautiful weekend up here in New England. Every time we have weather like this, it reminds me why I live here.  The warm summer sun has finally thawed us out from the long, cold winter.  I am grateful for the long hard winters.  Why, you may ask?  Well, without them, I could never appreciate weather like we had this weekend.  This weather also makes me long for the school year to just end now.  13 more school days and only 8 teaching days after today.  

My goal for the weekend had been to clean my house.  Usually by June, as the school year barrels to its close, my house is a disaster.  This year, it is double the disaster, a result of the extreme fatigue that lasted me through most of May.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the fatigue, I'm happy for any symptoms.  It means all is well.  Having dealt with infertility for so long, I always said I'd welcome feeling like garbage for 9 months.  And I'll definitely take extreme fatigue over throwing up, but it certainly was trying.  Now that my energy is returning, there is wreckage to clean up.  But with the weather so beautiful, I couldn't resist and instead spent as much time as I could outside.  

Saturday started with a run and swim out at Walden.  Then on to a BBQ / housewarming.  Finally, and the only thing that happened baby-related, I spent most of the afternoon at Babies R' Us, getting my registry set up.   My friend Jess was kind enough to offer to help me and I can not say how much I appreciated it.  Her assistance was beyond useful, and made what I thought would be a dreadful and overwhelming task, a fun afternoon.  It also saved Chris from what would have been a painful afternoon, making it a more painful process for me.  Instead, he hung out with Jess' husband,  Jared, one of his longtime friends, and their almost two-year-old daughter.  I think he had a lot more fun doing that than spending the day inside at Babies R' Us with me.  The registry is mostly set-up and ready to go and I even made my first purchase, an adorable pair of shoes that were on clearance.  Hope they fit by Christmas!

I have a few more big items that need to go on there, but they involve some more thought and perhaps a little input from the daddy-to-be.  I'd also like to check out Buy Buy Baby for some of these things. 

Sunday was gorgeous beyond belief.  Again, too nice to stay in and clean the house.  I forced myself to go to the grocery store, which is good because there was almost no food left in the house.  I also cleaned my car, which was almost as big of a disaster as my house, so that was productive.   I have been embarrassed for people to ride in it, it was such a mess. We also went for a long walk and got some ice cream, because this baby likes ice cream :) or at least I keep telling myself that as an excuse.  

As far as baby, like I said, not much happening.  I have a check-up this week, which I expect to be uneventful, and a big ultrasound next week - can't wait for that!  I'm starting to actually look pregnant, instead of fat, but have yet to have anyone ask me when I am due.  I've been wearing maternity clothes since 8 weeks and exclusively since 10, mostly because I can't stand anything restrictive on my stomach, but it's only recently become truly visible.  I went out like gangbusters on the weight gain and have been a little worried about it.  My midwife told me not to worry about it for another month or two as it might level off.  And it has...in fact, since I weighed myself last I've actually lost a pound, which isn't a bad thing since I am ahead of schedule in that department.  I've gained a total of 13 pounds, when most charts say I should have gained no more than 10.  Oh well.  I attribute most of this to the fact that I couldn't do anything but sleep and eat for the first 12 weeks, and since then my energy has been spotty (though fortunately my appetite has decreased).  I am finally exercising regularly again - I got up at 5 this morning to run because the temp is going into the 80s today and that is too hot for me. I would be happy if I could stay where I am until about 21 weeks, and then I will be back in the normal range again, but we'll see what the midwife says.  

So leaving you with my bump pic of the week.  Sorry that I look a mess....Sunday evening after a pretty busy day!  17 weeks and the size of an onion....

Remembrance, memories, and the start of summer!

Memorial Day weekend has always been one of my favorite weekends of the year.  First of all, It's such an important thing, to recognize the service all of our armed forces.  We would not be here today, living the life we live without their service, and their sacrifices.  So if you're reading this, and haven't done so already, please take a moment to think about all those who have served.  I've spent much of today thinking of my grandfather, Henry Evans (Poppy), my Uncle Bill, William Lamond, and Chris' grandfather, Douglas Crellin, all of whom served in World War II, and all of whom are no longer with us.  It is perfect time to remember them. 

Second, it's the unofficial start of summer.  Growing up at the Jersey Shore, "opening weekend" was something I waited for all year.  Almost like the beginning of a new year.  In fact, while we were up in New Hampshire this weekend, I overheard someone wish someone they hadn't seen all winter, "Happy New Year."  It made me smile.  When I was little in Ocean City, I had the tradition of going in the ocean to celebrate the start of the new year.  Now that I am grown, I no longer get to do that.  It is just too far of a trip to make in a three day weekend with things wrapping up at school.  I did manage to get in my first swim of the season at Walden pond, so that's one way to celebrate summer. 

My beach:

First Walden swim:

Lastly, this weekend is important to us as a couple, because it is the anniversary of our wedding.  It's been 8 years since we got married.  When we got married, we planned on having our first after 4-5 years, so by now, we expected to already have one child, if not two, so the fact that our first is just on the way, is not what we expected.  Anyway, we chose this weekend in particular.  As summer people, we liked the significance of it being the first weekend of summer.  But we chose it not only for the significance, but also to give our family and friends in New England the three day weekend to travel to NJ for our wedding.  It was a beautiful weekend, that early summer day, 8 years ago.  It felt like all of the shore was celebrating with us and we had a few hundred extra guests with us on the the beach as we exchanged our vows.  It was a perfect start to our journey.  I will always remember that day.  I remember the feeling as I watched all of our guests arrive from the upstairs window, as I walked to the beach with my wedding party,  and the kids across the street blew bubbles at me and waved.  I remember the plane that flew overhead saying "Remember the day", then crossing over the footbridge to the beach and seeing the crowds, both invited guests and uninvited beachgoers. 

 It really was special getting married on my beach, and for us, much more spiritual than a church.  That beach is so special to me - my family has been there for 60 years, both my dad and I grew up on that beach, Chris proposed to me on that beach, and my little girl will also grow up there.  So many memories over the past 35 summers.  So for that reason alone,  Memorial Day weekend is very important to me.

We had a nice weekend up in NH.  We stayed at our favorite Inn, the Glynn House in Ashland, NH.  We had couple of good dinners and spent the day Saturday hiking.  It was a beautiful day and great to get out into nature.  We hiked to a mountain lake, Lonesome Lake, Sanders did some swimming and got good and muddy.  I was surprised how tired I got while hiking.

I am feeling a lot better and hoping the second trimester is really finally taking hold.  My energy is starting to return.  I had a pretty good week and an even better weekend, and I'm starting to feel like myself again.  I managed to run 20 miles for the week, swam a half mile in Walden, returned to yoga, and hiked for 4 hours.  My house is still a mess, but I'm hoping to have the energy to give it a deep clean this week or next weekend.

So I leave you with my 16 weeks bump picture.  Not many other updates at this point. 

15 weeks and finding it hard to believe!

We're up to 15 weeks this week and I'm finally having days where I feel like I look less like I'm eating too many cupcakes and more like I've actually got a baby in there.  She is the size of an apple this week.  My kids at school don't think I look pregnant (maybe they're trying to be nice), some of my friends do.    You be the judge...

Thank you all for your kind words as you have learned our news over the past few weeks.  We have heard so many nice things, have seen such touching outpouring of emotions, and we are overwhelmed by the amount of love we already feel from family, friends, co-workers, and even just random people.  Friends have offered some awesome advice, people have sent some lovely gifts, and I can't even imagine what it is going to be like when she gets here.

Like most pregnant women, but especially for those who have suffered from infertility, I have a hard time believing this is real.  I keep thinking I am going to wake up and it will have all been a dream.  I alternate between wanting to enjoy every minute of my pregnancy to wanting November to be here so that we can meet our daughter and hold her in our arms.  To sit in the nursery in the middle of the night and rock her back to sleep.  To feel her velvet soft skin.  To nuzzle in and smell that wonderful smell that only comes from a baby - I cant only imagine it is that much sweeter when it is your own.  To learn what color hair she will have (hoping for red!).   To watch her grow, instead of just feeling it.  To hear her laugh and find out what she's going to be like.  

I imagine every couple expecting a baby has big dreams for their baby - We have had a long time to think about what we wanted for our children and have so many dreams for her.  A moment doesn't pass when I don't wonder what her life will be like.  My focus has gone completely off.  We know she will be cherished by all who have waited for her, so many people have told me that.  Every time I take the time to think about who she will be I tear up.  Will she be athletic?  Will she be active and enjoy the outdoors like we do?  Will she be adventurous?  Will she be musical?  Will she be coordinated, and not clumsy like me?  Having lost my dear Mimi in March, I envision her to be like Mimi.  Kind, selfless, loving, intelligent.  I imagine her to be open to new experiences and curious about the world.  She will grow up in a house where baseball is on every night in the summer (it's on right now), so she will definitely love baseball (and we hope it's the Red Sox, of course).  But who knows?  It will be a while before we know for sure, and certainly some of her personality will be formed by her experiences both before and after she gets here.  She has already had some adventures - she went to Mexico when she was just a spark, has run a half marathon, and has flown in her Dad's plane to name a few.  In the coming months, she will hike the White Mountains of NH, swim across Walden Pond, go sailing, visit Fenway for the first of many times, ride in her Grandpop's motor boat (I hope he won't go too fast and bounce her around), and travel to Belgium for the first time for her Uncle Fabien and Aunt Christine's wedding.  I'm sure there will be many more adventures before she gets here, because everyone knows I like a good adventure.

Anyway, enough of my sappy musings.  Lots of things going on this week.  I think baby may have had a growth spurt this week.  I went from feeling pretty good last week, to lousy this week.  I struggled to get through the work day only to come home and pass out for a few hours.  Tuesday, I laid in bed for 3 hours and then laid on the couch for the remainder of the night.  But its all good....just means she's taking my energy so that she can get big and strong.

The weekend was much better - I got two good sleeps and felt more like myself.  Saturday, I had time to prep and plant most of my garden.   Then we went to a party and I even stayed out until 11...lol!  Today, I ran a 5k pacing a 6th grader through my running club's kids program.  She did great.  When I got home, it was such a beautiful day and I felt like I could go a little further, so I ran 4 more miles.  7 total for the day, 18 for the week.  This is big progress.  Next week, I hope to break 20 miles for the week. 

We spent the afternoon shopping for a nursery set and I think we may have found the one.  We went to three different places, and in each place, we liked the same set, without realizing at first it was the same one.  Here is a picture of it in the finish we will probably get.  Now we just have to decide which pieces to get and then order it. 

Finally, I truly believe I'm starting to feel her move in my belly.  I first felt it a couple of weeks ago, but wasn't sure.  But the same feeling has been occurring more and more frequently, especially if I am sitting still or laying down.  It is pretty exciting!

So that's what's new this week.  I'm really looking forward to the school year ending.  I'm getting what I need to get done and my work is not suffering, but my focus is not there.  The kids know that and keep trying to get me off-topic by bringing up the baby.  I need the summer to come so I can actually focus on baby (and rest!).   

Coming later this week - stories from Malden High School.  The kids have been pretty entertaining as they have learned I was pregnant.  It is definitely worth a post.  

It's beginning to feel more real....

Chris and I have spent most of the last two weeks spreading the good news.  I've been in touch with some people I haven't talked to in a long time and it has been so great catching up with them!  In our busy lives, it's hard to find the time to stay in touch.  As much as I love Facebook, I have probably become too reliant on it.  I need to be in touch more often, and now that I've taken the step to reach out, I hope I can continue to do so.  

This was a big week.  I can feel the baby growing and may have felt a few little flutters.  My belly is finally getting big enough that it is starting to look more like a baby and not like I've eaten too many cupcakes.  I'm loving my little bump.  I'm looking forward to it getting bigger and looking more pregnant.  This in-between stage has been really tough for me, especially after losing so much weight and being really happy with how I looked.  I know eventually I'll turn the corner and I'll love how I look again because this is a beautiful reason to grow.  

In addition, we got the results back from the Panorama Test.  This is a relatively new, un invasive way to test for chromosomal disorders such as trisomy 13, 18, and 21 (Downs Syndrome).   Having lost a baby to a chromosomal disorder (trisomy 22), I really wanted this done.  In addition, by having the test, they are able to look for the Y chromosome (or the absence of a Y). The results came back with a 1/10000 chance of having any of those disorders.  There was no Y chromosome, so we are having a girl!!!   

Don't ask us the name, we haven't decided yet, and when we do, we don't plan to share.  Something has to stay a surprise, right?   

We have decided to use a midwife instead of an obstetrician.  We will still deliver in the hospital and there will be a doctor available, but I like the level of care I get from a midwife.  I accidentally started going to this practice 9 years ago, and really like it.   It has a much more familiar feel, and is comfortable and not clinical.  You call the midwife by her first name and she feels more like a family member than a doctor.  She is fully trained and certified in all things baby, the only difference is that she can not perform surgery.  It feels much more natural to me than the sterile environments we became so accustomed to during IVF.   I want this to be as natural as my body and my baby will allow.  Anyway, I had my 2nd appointment with the midwife.  I saw my regular midwife, Phyllis, this time.  I was unable to get an appointment with her for my first appointment.  The last time I saw Phyllis, she and I discussed the fact that we had given up the fight.  I still remember her saying to me, "well, I guess you're not here for birth control". We laughed.  So this appointment was so joyous.  There were hugs, there were tears.  Not much happened other than a lot of talking, but we did listen to the heartbeat again.  It was a good, solid 164 bpm, which is good and strong.  All of the tests they did at the first appointment looked great as well.  So far so good.  I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and it's not going to be real.

We started the process of looking for furniture.  We haven't decided on anything, but I'd like to order in the next few weeks.  I'd really like to have the Nursery done by the time I go back to school in September, which realistically means we need to have it almost done before going to Belgium in mid-August.  

This is also a big week because we are finally going public on FB.   We have told everyone we needed to tell and now it is time to announce it to the world!  

That's all the news this week.  Stay tuned.....

Why a rainbow?

In the spirit of our journey, I chose the name "running towards a rainbow"  those of you who have been around the infertility / miscarriage / infant loss block understand the significance of a rainbow, but others might not.   There is a lot if meaning in this name.  The running part is obvious, since all you need to do is talk to me for 5 minutes and you know I am passionate about running.  But a rainbow?  Yes they are beautiful to look at, but there's more to it than that.  For those of us who have experienced miscarriage,  we seek out hope in the dreams of a rainbow baby.  That is, the healthy baby that follows the baby who we lost.  

So in choosing the name, "running towards a rainbow", I am indeed running towards hope.  I took comfort and refuge in running after every round of IVF, after losing my baby in 2012 (which I recently discovered was a little boy), and after being told we wouldn't have kids.  The last blow made me run really hard, and I guess I eventually ran smack into my rainbow.

This is a big week for us.  We will get the results back from the panorama test.  This will tell us genetic risks, and even more exciting, gender!!!  I have a doctors appointment tmw and I hope to hear the heartbeat again.  I will be 14 weeks on Thursday and now we seem to be in the clear, I am loving every second of this journey, even when I'm not feeling so great.  It's so amazing what the body can do and I am fascinated by the changes.  

So coming soon..gender reveal and first belly pics!!!